Sweet dreams

Ape #2, my 8 year-old son, has recently decided that my bed is his bed. I don't mind, since I figure my days of cuddling will be rapidly coming to a halt anyday. The only catch, the child is like an octopus on fire. Absolutely like an eight-legged furnace. We aren't talking normal body heat exchange. The kids puts off some serious heat, along with legs going in all directions. So much so that I am often waking him up several times through the night to urge him to move over. Oh yeah, not only does he emit vast heat, the only side of the bed he will sleep on is whichever side I am on. Every time.

The other morning, he awoke, barely, to stagger into the bathroom, stating, "I gotta go pee." He did is job, then returned to my bed. I don't think he opened his eyes once in his travels. He climbed in next to me, threw his arm around me, and very groggily murmured, "Mommy, I love you."

I laid there and soaked in every bit of heat I could. My days of this are numbered.

Anxieties

Ape #2: Mom, when you were my age did you like somebody?

Me: Of course.

Ape #2: Well, did you ever talk to him?

Me: Well, sometimes. I would get nervous, though.

Ape #2: Yeah, I get nervous gas, so I don't talk to her.

Match-maker

Ape #2: Mom, I think you should be the next Bachelorette.

Me: What?

Ape #2: Yeah, go on the show. Find a husband.

If only it were that easy...while I thought this was incredibly sweet for him to say, it also made me a little sad.

Who needs a dictionary?

Ape #2: Mom, what does moist mean?

Ape #1: Chewy, wet.

Ape #2: Oh, like foggy water?

Me: Exactly.

Post-Christmas gluttony

Shortly after Christmas...

Ape #2: Mom, I wanna buy this with my Christmas money!

Me: Really?

Ape #2: Yep, it's the best thing ever.

Me: Okay, but you have to carry it the entire time we are shopping.

A couple nearby stifled their laughter. Their toddler boy was behaving perfectly in the shopping cart...

Me: Just you wait. In six years, you are going to be dragging around a 3-foot long yellow remote-controlled Corvette too.

Housekeeping

Ape #1: Mom, can I bake cookies?

Me: Yes, but all good cooks clean the kitchen before and after beginning any project.

Score one for the home team....I have a clean kitchen, fresh-baked cookies, and I didn't lift a finger. Youth are so gullible.

Extrordinary uses for everyday objects

Ape #2: Mom, check out how fast the back tires go on my remote-controlled car!

(demonstrates)

Ape #2: It can shave your back, it goes so fast!